Military Brats

Military Brats: Wertsch

This book, published in 1991, offers a fascinating look at a subculture that still exists: that of children raised within a career military family. She, like me, is a baby-boomer and her history and that of the 80 military brats interviewed for the book reflect that time-frame with the father being the link to the military life.

She was inspired to write the book after seeing The Great Santini which I recognized when it came out as something full of resonance about my own upbringing and adding to her thesis, the culture of similarly raised children I knew growing up. I am a big fan of Pat Conroy and of interest, he wrote the introduction to this work.

An early topic of discussion is that of authoritarianism—it is a given in military families: it echos the reality of a Dad’s work for which, he volunteered. The family did not volunteer and the tension is brought out throughout. An early anecdote: Imagine being the wife or child of a Marine DI. Drill Instructors for new recruits are selected for their excellence across many fronts. And when performing this work, they work 16-18 hour days, always on stage, the authoritarian, the leader, the molder of men. And when coming home? He brings all of that with him, often after drinks with buddies. It is not pretty and the statistics of family consequences impressively worrisome.

Of interest, my stepfather, a Naval Captain, never laid a hand on me yet, authoritarian he was. I was afraid of my father. This is not uncommon. It is shared by kids raised in other authoritarian environments: conservative religious culture and cultures of poverty.

She (the author) labels the family home, “the fortress” and what happens within is held close to the vest and the rules are strict. Loyalty to the family unit with Dad at the head is inviolate making adolescence especially challenging. She suggests some personal qualities are associated with such families adapting to the rigors of an authoritarian father and frequent changes of place: these qualities are stoicism, denial, loyalty, and maintaining a, “poker face.”

She points out the effect alcohol brings when used to excess and the ubiquity of its use as well as the problems it brings. Marine Drill Instructors are brought up once again…….

Themes are explored, starting with problems Wives face: They often fall in love with a man without knowing about the routine their life is going to face. The husband volunteered to the service usually with a reasonable expectation of what that meant but wives often were surprised and have had to adapt. Loyalty is a critical piece of staying as is the mission of the military which the wife supports by managing the “home” front as well as her husband’s needs and career. From whom does such a woman gain peer support if and when she, with family, move from one community or military base to another every few years? Long standing proximal personal relationships are the exception to a general rule. Her role can be complicated and in the generation discussed, when women’s lib was becoming a movement, it was the exception that a military wife would have an independent job and income source. They had a role supporting their husband and for officers especially, this role could be very important with respect to career advancement.

Daughters: A sub theme is that men in the military of these years had male dominance as an assumption and with it, a son was desired over a daughter. Daughters, after the interview process and conclusions drawn, often felt like they were not seen or acknowledged-- they in effect grew up, invisible to the father. Efforts to be seen often backfired or at least did not serve to relieve this need. Outcomes attributed to this include self doubt, perfectionism, OCD, eating disorders, withdrawn behaviors, and lastly, the, “Athena syndrome.” This refers to a wise but military oriented woman who is an authoritarian in her own right. Marriage compatibility and choice comes to the surface.

Sons: Boys, having met the chromosomal needs of the father, are now subject to training, much as those under the command of the father at work. They are under a microscope with rules and regulations to be followed to the letter. One example I related to lay in haircuts, “high and tight” and done at the base barbershop. She suggests that as with new recruits this is a form of hazing, of humiliation, and perhaps a breaking down for later reformation. Comportment and responses needed to be crisp: “I don’t know,” or, “I guess” were never satisfactory responses to a direct question. Her interviewees all felt cheated of fatherly love. She suggests that the prepubertal orientation was, “engaged in perpetual battle with which they have no weapons, support, cover, and which they are permitted neither to win nor to lose; retreat is not an option."  Frequent moves to new schools, especially on base, led to having to establish oneself anew in a pecking oder and within days of entry, usually involved fist fights.

Adolescence finds sons striving to make sense of their internal realities and the legacies of this upbringing include homophobia, and often a specific focus on world or social events. You were told what to think and of course, adolescence commonly found an equal and opposite reaction in the setting of Vietnam. Many went to protests —-and looked the part. Many military brats, both males and females discovered work in social justice long-term……..Or, as with Jim Morrison (his father was an admiral), oedipal fantasies played out through the arts.  Being “anti” the Viet Nam war, I was torn with the notion of protesting. I was not “anti military” and that nuance was lost on many. Loyalty to that tangible society growing up persisted even when in conflict with State policy.

Kids as Casualties: Alcohol played a huge role in most families. It was not always abused with all that goes with that, but it was ubiquitous. The consequences to the family unit could be small, medium, or large. The book reflects of differing levels of physical abuse and has an interesting take on sexual abuse.  A father accused of sexual abuse of a child in the military would be dealt with immediately:  escorted and taken to other quarters for the duration ie the sorting of claims—no court orders, no restraining orders—it is a direct system with consequences.  On the other hand, the male dominated military police were out of their element and a typical story found a child on a post school setting being confronted by armed MP’s who ask directly, in front of the child’s peers or teachers, “It has been claimed that you have been abused by your father; is that a true?” The support system for girls abused by their fathers needed time  (recall, the book was published in 1990) to catch up with the civilian world.

Kids as Nomads: If moving from base to base or country to country is destabilizing for a growing child, it is at least, an adventure. Kids needed to adjust after “reading” the new setting. They had to develop social skills and learn to read new people from an early age. They often become great mimics of regional accents. They learn teamwork and put their best foot forward in social settings. The author contends that social maturation is delayed in such kids as is the ability to commit to work and relationships. I recently was trying to find an old school mate and connected with her elder sister (who I believe epitomized the “Athena syndrome”) and when I conveyed my phone number, (she will call you….) I asked if she remembered me. “Well, shit!I don't know. What High School? I went to three…..”

Upstairs/Downstairs: All branches of the military have a self identified caste system and there is no mixing, socially between officers and the enlisted—it is literally against the law to, “fraternize.” Her interviews abound with the parents, without overtly stating this rule, guiding their children through it. Violating this, especially for adolescents on base could be a huge problem for not only them, but their father.  An irony pointed out is that many officers of this baby boomer generation came from stable and humble origins and as officers, would enforce rules they never experienced as children. Along with this, creature comforts: events with silver and linens and officer clubs that could rival civilian social scenes, and where no enlisted were allowed.  The support staff of such clubs were often of minority races.  Again it is pointed out that this environment helped generate many a social activist from the population of brats.

Us vs Them: The experience of brats could vary dramatically depending on their parents: overseas, many families would live “on base” and rarely interact with citizens of the host country.  Others might live in the country itself. For many years, the economies of host countries made it possible for military families to hire domestics to serve them. Brats often developed relationships with domestics who could be fired on the spot for a host of reasons. Some brats would love the experience of going native and others would have an antipathy for those of the host country.  One thing was clear to such kids back in the USA that would separate them from their civilian counterparts: they knew about their geography and cared about what was on the news, because it directly influenced their lives.

Legacies: this book draws many conclusions from interviews and is thus, not a scientific work. It does draw from observations some interesting insights: military brats learn to be stoic, capable of delayed gratification, adaptive to new environments or situations, and reflect both positive and negative reactions: one can “do something” when a new situation comes up or “resign oneself” to the inevitable. Carrying through with what all humans do, the realm of acquired behaviors can be that of an obsessive order freak vs a rebellious alpha character. Resilience is thought to be a reliable characteristic of such kids as is loyalty though finding that thing to be loyal too can prove difficult.  Military brats can sometimes seem naive in early life as adults when bending the rules may seem “disloyal” yet civilians mastered that one before adolescence. This is not how it worked in my family; I learned to bend the rules early, when I was on my game. Work being done can be broken down by “end points” (civilians) vs “process” (military brats).

Conclusions: the author’s, and mine: She agrees that authoritarians exist in the civilian world as does violence and alcohol abuse. What differentiates Brats is the common culture they live within. Civilian kids I grew up with had plenty of family “baggage” to contend with as well. A dilemma pointed out is that most parents of brats of this generation started their lives in stable communities and all the normative rules that go with that and then had to transition parenting styles to their mission in the military; they had to make up their parenting with tangential reference to what they have actually experienced as kids. I would argue that kids raised in the depression and WWII often lived in homes and communities with authoritarian heads of family and as importantly, shared social norms about behavior in and out of the home that these days are no longer reliably shared. Military brats are good at modeling exterior behavior to match their environment as did their fathers. They don’t always pair it with authoritative parenting behaviors themselves. If I hear one thing from my civilian peers of my adult life, most our children have struck out for a different family and parenting style than that from which they came. That may simply be an evolutionary process. For the adult brat, she offers four pieces of advice (perhaps her version of a personality “duty roster”):

1. Dismantle to myths of your family. This was not a model for the Donna Reed show though many might have thought that back in the day. Work through the notion that males do not have superiority over females.

2. Heal wounds.  Identify the choice points your parents faced and reconsider your anger and “what ifs.”

3. Make peace with your parents.

4. Decide where YOU belong. Kids do not volunteer into the military life—their parents did. As an adult, find what YOU want to volunteer for. Consider the gifts your upbringing gave you (love of travel, ability to “wing it” when the unexpected comes, making a home……wherever.).

Good advice for all of us!